Chronicles Of The Battles Of My Mind—The End

 Oh, what a journey! What an ample traveled distance have I had the pleasure of endure and being a part of! Just like every contour of this planet, there have been valleys in my life; there have been plains, but also lots of high hills that I have been forced to climb to get here. This amazingly vast experience within the human spirit has brought me to high levels of joyous ecstasies and looseness of the soul. There have also been along the way, repaired tear tracks that although visible, have been well long healed by the very and ever so unmerciful Sir Time. I have laughed, I have lived…and I have also died.

Tonight is so special to me! I can’t explain the conglomerate of unexpected mixed feelings that stir inside my heart all of a sudden. It is unclear why they have decided to fill me in, yet again, I am grateful for a small space of vision and acceptance in my well fought battled life… I needed it. I have tried. I have crawled before the walk, and emotionally jogged before deciding to embark in the colossal stance of love and maturity runs. I have inexplicably earned both love and hate from the world, although it seems that at this point, nothing really matters to me anymore. Some may say its resignation, but I choose another way to put it; I can finally say that perhaps, after all these years, I decisively grew up!

I have tied the laces of the bloody gloves of perils. I have washed the scars of the batted feet that can no longer sustain my weight, and yet I look up above and have to smile. Some live to experience plentiful wins in life, some of us have had to suffer a little longer, and sometimes even undeserving. But we wipe the tears off from our faces, and portray a fake smile so believable to the world. We hug the very existence of possibilities where there are none, as we wash away the mud of our failures, in a desperate attempt not to suffocate from the lack of air…but there we stand, there I stand; defiant, brave, and also very clueless!

My journey nears its end as I realize how many years have gone by. I have grown enough to understand that dreams sometimes remain dreams, and that visions may not be there for you after all. Even though I may have had unannounced visitations from that special person in my dreams, I have learned to leave her there, in that special and happy semblance that suits her very well. I want after all, the absolute best for her, and maybe I am not it. I have decided to no longer fly, I will no longer hope, and I will not dare try to dream anymore. And I am ok with that!

As I revised the map of my past lives, and the descendants of each and every current step I’ve taken, I can get the whole idea. Maybe I need the lack of disillusions in my life, maybe I don’t need any more heartbreak and perhaps, I won’t need to be so damn thoughtful! …and I am OK with that! I am actually happy with it! Angels glide down from heaven to help you through, they guide you from every mistaken direction, but even they also retrieve at one given point…they too continue on.

The Messiah, the one they call Jesus once said: “deny yourself, carry your cross, and follow me.” Oh, how deep these words resonate in my being! How meaningful they have become to my life! Deny myself will I; carry my cross I will. It is the only thing that makes sense right at this point; it is the right thing to do. I experience joy seeing others grow up as well. I enjoy seeing their wings spread in flight as they seemingly fly by me in waves of purpose and content. Maybe, as I conclude my journey, I will forget that I want that. I will be convincingly satisfied with the idea of having a heavenly reward, and not much the earthly one I have craved my entire life. Disown myself from that idea I propose, exclude myself from any more planning, and let Him hold the compass of my destiny.

There will be no more fake laughs; there will be no more unrealized expectations. Denying oneself also implies to give up, to relinquish the fight; to die to ourselves! Every night that passes by I am more and more comfortable with the idea. The pain is constantly lesser, and the nights are amazingly shorter! This is where my journey ends. This is as far as I will go. Let me die from now own to my stained humanity and unrealistic dreams, and let Him revive my hopeful being the way He only can. That I will do, and that I will pursue! So, this is as far as I am willing to go, this is the end.